Modesty for Children

Ok...so I know that I have not posted in a while, but I just saw this article on my friend's FB profile and felt the need to share it.  ENJOY!

Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps

By LZ Granderson, CNN Contributor

April 19, 2011 8:52 a.m. EDT

 

Grand Rapids, Michigan (CNN) -- I saw someone at the airport the other day who really caught my eye.
Her beautiful, long blond hair was braided back a la Bo Derek in the movie "10" (or for the younger set, Christina Aguilera during her "Xtina" phase). Her lips were pink and shiny from the gloss, and her earrings dangled playfully from her lobes.

You can tell she had been vacationing somewhere warm, because you could see her deep tan around her midriff thanks to the halter top and the tight sweatpants that rested just a little low on her waist. The icing on the cake? The word "Juicy" was written on her backside.

Yeah, that 8-year-old girl was something to see alright. ... I hope her parents are proud. Their daughter was the sexiest girl in the terminal, and she's not even in middle school yet.

Abercrombie & Fitch came under fire this spring for introducing the "Ashley," a push-up bra for girls who normally are too young to have anything to push up. Originally it was marketed for girls as young as 7, but after public outcry, it raised its intended audience to the wise old age of 12. I wonder how do people initiate a conversation in the office about the undeveloped chest of elementary school girls without someone nearby thinking they're pedophiles?

What kind of PowerPoint presentation was shown to the Abercrombie executives that persuaded them to green light such a product?

That there was a demand to make little girls hot?

I mean, that is the purpose of a push-up bra, right? To enhance sex appeal by lifting up, pushing together and basically showcasing the wearer's breasts. Now, thanks to AF Kids, girls don't have to wait until high school to feel self-conscious about their, uhm, girls. They can start almost as soon as they're potty trained. Maybe this fall the retailer should consider keeping a plastic surgeon on site for free consultations.

We've been here with Abercrombie before -- if you recall, about 10 years ago they sold thongs for 10-year-olds -- but they're hardly alone in pitching inappropriate clothing to young girls. Four years ago the popular "Bratz" franchise introduced padded bras called "bralettes" for girls as young as six. That was also around the time the good folks at Wal-Mart rolled out a pair of pink panties in its junior department with the phrase "Who Needs Credit Cards" printed on the front.

I guess I've been out-of-the-loop and didn't realize there's been an ongoing stampede of 10-year-old girls driving to the mall with their tiny fists full of cash demanding sexier apparel.

What's that you say? Ten-year-olds can't drive? They don't have money, either? Well, how else are they getting ahold of these push-up bras and whore-friendly panties?

Their parents?

Noooo, couldn't be.

What adult who wants a daughter to grow up with high self-esteem would even consider purchasing such items? What parent is looking at their sweet, little girl thinking, "She would be perfect if she just had a little bit more up top."

And then I remember the little girl at the airport. And the girls we've all seen at the mall. And the kiddie beauty pageants.

And then I realize as creepy as it is to think a store like Abercrombie is offering something like the "Ashley", the fact remains that sex only sells because people are buying it. No successful retailer would consider introducing an item like a padded bikini top for kindergarteners if they didn't think people would buy it.

If they didn't think parents would buy it, which begs the question: What in the hell is wrong with us?

It's easy to blast companies for introducing the sexy wear, but our ire really should be directed at the parents who think low rise jeans for a second grader is cute. They are the ones who are spending the money to fuel this budding trend. They are the ones who are suppose to decide what's appropriate for their young children to wear, not executives looking to brew up controversy or turn a profit.

I get it, Rihanna's really popular. But that's a pretty weak reason for someone to dress their little girl like her.

I don't care how popular Lil' Wayne is, my son knows I would break both of his legs long before I would allow him to walk out of the house with his pants falling off his butt. Such a stance doesn't always makes me popular -- and the house does get tense from time to time -- but I'm his father, not his friend.

Friends bow to peer pressure. Parents say, "No, and that's the end of it."

The way I see it, my son can go to therapy later if my strict rules have scarred him. But I have peace knowing he'll be able to afford therapy as an adult because I didn't allow him to wear or do whatever he wanted as a kid.

Maybe I'm a Tiger Dad.

Maybe I should mind my own business.

Or maybe I'm just a concerned parent worried about little girls like the one I saw at the airport.

In 2007, the American Psychological Association's Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls issued a report linking early sexualization with three of the most common mental-health problems of girls and women: eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression. There's nothing inherently wrong with parents wanting to appease their daughters by buying them the latest fashions. But is getting cool points today worth the harm dressing little girls like prostitutes could cause tomorrow?

A line needs to be drawn, but not by Abercrombie. Not by Britney Spears. And not by these little girls who don't know better and desperately need their parents to be parents and not 40-year-old BFFs.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of LZ Granderson.

Here us the link for the actual article:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/04/19/granderson.children.dress/index.html

Watch This!

For those of us who are from "blended families",  there doesn't seem to be as much information readily available unless you know what sources to research. I thought that the information provided in these next two videos offer some insightful tips and suggestions about strengthening marriages and the family bond when combining two families into one.  Enjoy!



Stepfamilies:
Before Forming A Stepfamily



Stepfamilies:
Stepfamilies And Remarriage

Coming SOON...

I have received a request to research step families.  I have really learned a lot in my research so far and am very excited to share what I have learned, so stay tuned!!!

Stephen Covey: Indian Talking Stick

The importance of Communicating Effectively

“It isn’t that we can’t or don’t know how to communicate with others as much as it is that we don’t feel like risking our deep-down feelings with someone who is likely to stomp on them.  It is never enjoyable to approach a parent, spouse, or colleague who is domineering, overwhelming, always right, angry, came from the “true-family”, has all of the answers, is smothering, critical, sarcastic, puts you down, disagrees, or is negative.  The inability to risk as personal and validating levels of communication leads to a shallow relationship or one that cannot last.” (p. 121 Brinley)

The Three Levels of Communication

1. Superficial Level of Communication

It is a safe form of communication where we can exchange our ideas, observations, and comments with each other.

“This surface conversation is usually light in nature, descriptive, and where we discuss events and observations without much personal risk on our part.” (p. 123 Brinley) 

2. Personal Level of Communication

Requires us to go beyond and reach a deeper level of thought and feeling

“Those who cannot share personal feelings typically move on to other relationships, unaware of why they don’t build close relationships with others.” (p. 124 Brinley) 

3. Validation Level of Communication

These are positive messages that show worth, value, appreciation, and acceptance.

“As human beings, we are somewhat fragile and sensitive to how others react when we express our ideas and feelings.” (p. 125 Brinley)

Risk Taking with a Negative Response

Risk feelings/ideas -->  Negative response --> Stop Sharing

Lose confidence in each other

Withdraw from interacting

Less risking of personal ideas/opinions

Stop sharing personal feelings

Mistrust develops

Anger and frustration increase

Feelings of closeness dissipate

Emotional void

Start to Avoid each other

Mage seek the company of others

Feelings of affection dissipate

Risk taking with a Positive Response

Risk feelings/ideas --> Positive response --> Risk Again

Feelings of trust develop/continue

Emotional closeness is strengthened

Feelings of love intensify

The relationship is strengthened

Being together is enjoyable

Affection is expressed naturally

Enjoy exchanging personal ideas/comments

Mutually therapeutic

Loyalty/commitment to each other is strengthened

We like each other; affection grows

Sources

Brinley, Douglas E. “First Comes Love”

Larson, Jeffry H. “The Great Marriage Tune-up Book”

SmartMarriages.Com

The following is a brief summary of a website that I just recently checked out.  I also reviewed a few articles that I found interesting and wanted to share.  Enjoy :)

As I began to search this website, the introduction was the first thing to grab my attention.  Their claim starts out, “We finally know what's different about couples that stay happily married. It's not that they are better matched, better looking, more in love or more passionate. It's not that they have fewer differences or less to fight about.”  Reading on, the introduction explains that married couples argue about the same exact things that divorced couples do - money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws, and time. I thought to myself, if this is the case, why do people get divorced?  Surely their battles are bigger.  Smartmarriages.com claims that “The difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is how they handle these differences.”  This website encourages learning how to “…unlearn the behaviors that destroy love and replace them with the behaviors that keep love alive.”

Underneath the introduction is a list of several applications ranging from articles on divorce, quick fix marriage advice, do-it yourself counseling, co-habitation, and domestic violence to inspirational marriage quotes, how to become a marriage educator, marriage quizzes, and CDs and DVDs that are available for additional learning.  Under “Strengthen Marriage in Your Community”, you can find calendar dates dedicated to cultural marriages as well as marriage in general.  In addition, you can research how to get started in getting your community involved and how to have an optimistic view of marriage and the future.

On the left side of the page a column is located that has information on upcoming events such as conferences that you can register to attend, classes that you can attend in your area as well as a link to articles and research.

#1 Article Summary of:

HOW THERAPY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARITAL HEALTH
Smart Marriages CONFERENCE, JULY 3, 1999
William J. Doherty, PhD
Family Social Science Department
University of Minnesota

I found this article to be interesting, especially since we have been learning about the benefits of counseling both before couples get married and after to avoid divorce.  This article in a way hit home for me because I had an Aunt and Uncle who got divorced and I believe that it may have been because she was given some advice by a therapist on an individual basis.  If problems arise in a marriage, Dr. Doherty suggests that there is an order to follow in order to receive the help necessary.  He suggests that “…people first need support people, mentors, other couples in their lives, and then they need marriage educators and then they need therapists--in that order.”  However, people first seek the help of individual therapists and/or a pastoral counselor. 

Of the 80% of all private practice therapists in the U.S. who say that they do marital therapy, only 12% of them “are in a profession that requires even one course or any supervised experience.”  According to Doherty, most of them “just pick it up on the side.”  Because most people who are seeking help in their marriage seek individual help rather than help from a marriage counselor, many of the issues are discussed on an individual level rather than as a coupe, thus causing more damage to the marriage.  Doherty refers to this as “therapist-induced marital suicide.”

The distinction is made about how we as a society today views divorce vs. how it was viewed 30-40 years ago.  Who is to blame?  We went from one end of the spectrum – it is shameful to get divorced – to the complete opposite, divorce is an option to everyone.  With this change, there has been an evolution from seeking happiness as a couple to individualism.  Marriage is not based on duty anymore, but on personal happiness.  Doherty said that therapists took two different stances in regards to marriage during this era: 1) “neutrality” towards marital commitment and 2) liberation- being a liberator to someone in an unhappy marriage.

Neither stance seemed to heal the issues.  Doherty explains that we have completely changed our views on marriage; as a society we have gone from being citizens who view marriage as a commitment to individuals who view marriage as more of a consumer lifestyle.  “We have less loyalty now, in all spheres of life, then we did 20 or 30 years ago…In a generation we have moved rapidly from being citizens to being primarily consumers… Marriage, I believe, has been strongly influenced by this combination of the individual fulfillment culture and the consumer culture. Marriage is becoming yet another consumer lifestyle.”

The article goes on to clarify how therapists are a crucial tool in this evolution and how couples can prepare themselves to receive help that is appropriate for them as couples.  Doherty describes four types of therapists that undermine marital commitment: incompetent therapists, neutral therapists, pathologizing therapists, and overtly undermining therapists.  Each of these therapists destroys even the hope of saving a marriage in their own way.  Doherty says that “the biggest problem I see in this area is that most therapists are not trained to work with couples, and they see working with couples as an extension of individual psychotherapy.”

In conclusion, Doherty gives us hope.  He encourages couples to do their research.  He encourages us to ask questions, get to know the therapist and his/her qualifications for providing counsel to married couples specifically.  “Licensing boards and professional associations should have training requirements for therapists who claim to practice marital therapy.”  Ask about the therapist’s success rate, whether they are neutral, and where their marital education stems from.  By asking the appropriate questions and taking time to find a therapist who will work with you as a couple, the chances of saving your marriage will greatly increase. 

#2 Article Summary of:

INTENTIONAL MARRIAGE: YOUR RITUALS WILL SET YOU FREE

WILLLIAM DOHERTY
University of Minnesota

Banquet Keynote/Annual Smart Marriages Conference
Denver, Colorado

Once again, Dr. Doherty caught my attention by the title of his article.  “Intentional Marriage”; what is that?  Dr. Doherty defines an intentional marriage as this, “An intentional marriage is one where the partners are conscious, deliberate, and planful about maintaining and building a sense of connection over the years.”  His focus is on rituals and how they have the ability to enrich a marriage.  To set the tone, Doherty tells us a story about Ken and Judy.  They (at this point) have been married for three years.  They met at a country-western dance and hit it off.  Evidently, the chemistry between them on the dance floor was such that they had the attention of everyone.  When asked when the last time was that they danced together was, the reply was three years.  There are basic rituals that we all participate when we are dating such as going on dates, talking on the phone for hours, and going for long walks.  What happens to these rituals once we get married?

Rituals are defined as “…social interactions that are repeated, coordinated, and significant.  Rituals can be everyday interactions, or they could be once a year, but they’re repeated… A ritual is something that has positive emotional meaning to both parties.”  It is this definition that makes a ritual different from a routine.  Doherty states, “A marriage routine is something that you do over and over in a coordinated way, but that does not have much emotional meaning.”  Doherty divides marriage rituals into three different kinds: 1) rituals of connection 2) rituals of intimacy and 3) rituals of community.

Rituals of connection include our greetings, good-byes, and our conversations.  Rituals of intimacy include “dates where you’re going out to have some special time together, patterns of sexual intimacy, and special occasions such as anniversaries or Valentine’s Day.”  Rituals of community include “couple activities where the partners give and receive support in their larger world, such as joint involvement in a religious community, neighborhood activities, joint friendship activities, and joint community action.” All three of these rituals combined can strengthen marriages and keep the love alive and growing.

What Matters Most

Whether you are LDS or not, I felt that this message from President Thomas S. Monson (President of the LDS Church) is applicable to everyone.  It is short, sweet and to the point about what matters most.