What Matters Most

Whether you are LDS or not, I felt that this message from President Thomas S. Monson (President of the LDS Church) is applicable to everyone.  It is short, sweet and to the point about what matters most.

I Love You Because...

One thing that I have thought about recently is the importance of remembering why you love someone whether it is a spouse, child, friend, brother, sister, parent, or any other family member or acquaintance.  It doesn’t seem to matter how long you have know the individual or what exactly you have been through together, sometimes it is just hard to think or remember just why you love them (especially when you are not getting along).  I have come up with a solution that just might work!  Make a list of good characteristics about that person or experiences that you have had with that person…reasons why you love them.

You may remember having to do this little exercise when you got into an argument with your brother or sister growing up (typically you would have to do it when you were still upset), but here is a suggestion…make the list when you are happy with that person.  Keep it in a place where you can easily pull it out when you are upset or when you forget why you love them so much.  Title the list “I Love You Because”. 

Husbands and wives can frame these lists to hang in their bedroom so that it is a constant reminder (and also for their children to see).  Children can keep this list in a journal.  Just keep the list handy.  Make sure you review it often whether you are in a good mood or bad mood.  Share the list. 

I have noticed in my marriage that when I take time to review my list about my spouse often, my love continues to grow for him.  I am more willing to make a constant effort to be a better wife and friend.  When we do have a disagreement or an argument over something insignificant, reviewing my list makes it easier to forgive and to forget. 

Try it, let me know what you think J

Example list:

I Love You Because…

·        You play with me when even when your friends come over (child)

·        You respect my values and beliefs (friend)

·        You call to check on me from work throughout the day when I am sick (spouse)

·        You make time to hang out with me one-on-one (child)

·        …

Just a personal side note...

I am still very new at this (especially making it public), so please bare with me.  I will be making new posts a few times a week.  If you wouldn't mind leaving comments or suggestions either here - on the blog - or on facebook, that would be fantastic! 

What are some things that you would like me to research?  What are somethings that you would like to know?

To Compromise or to Collaborate…THAT is the question!

“Collaboration differs from compromise because in compromise, the parties look for an easy intermediate position that partially satisfies them both, whereas in collaboration, the parties work creatively to find new solutions that will maximize goals for them both” (W. and L. 161)

Admit it.  We have all been there thinking to ourselves, “He just doesn’t understand me” or “She isn’t even speaking English”.  Whether the argument or disagreement is over household chores, money, children, or how often he is spending time with the family (or vice versa), if not taken care of carefully and properly, a simple disagreement can turn into a vicious cycle.   One or both of you may feel like your thoughts and feelings are never taken into consideration and that the other always seems to get their way (which can turn into a sense of resentment).

The fact of the matter is that we all handle conflict differently.  Typically, people fall under one of the five conflict styles: avoidance, accommodation, competition, compromise, or collaboration.  “Style preferences develop over a person’s lifetime based on a complicated blend of genetics, life experiences, family background, and personal philosophy” (W. and L. 130).  Once a couple is able to define their individual conflict styles and tactics, they can then work together in solving problems more effectively.

Since many of us are familiar with the characteristics involved in these different conflict styles, I would like to focus on the difference between compromise and collaboration.  “Compromise is an intermediate style resulting in some gains and some losses for each party” (W. and L. 156).  However, collaboration requires more creative solutions and flexibility from both partners. 

In relationships where power is unequal and trust is not found, couples typically avoid situations that might require a compromise because something valuable has to be given up from one or both sides.  However, there are both advantages and disadvantages to compromising if done correctly.  Some of the advantages include being able to accomplish goals with less time expenditure, reinforcement of power balance between a couple, and it serves as a valuable back up tool for decision making when other methods seem to fail.  Yet a major disadvantage to compromise is that for some couples it just seems to be an easy way out.  Rather than collaborating and creatively coming up with a solution that will fit perfectly, couples turn to coin tossing or “splitting the difference”.

I would like to refer to collaboration as a team sport.  “Collaboration demands the most constructive engagement of any of the conflict styles; [it] shows a high level of concern for one’s own goals, the goals of others, the successful solution of the problem, and the enhancement of the relationship” (W. and L. 161).  Teams of any kind don’t spend their time compromising the “final play”.  Instead, they consider all of the talent and capabilities of the players before running the play.  In other words, “collaboration is an ‘invitational rhetoric’ that invites the other’s perspective so the two of you can reach a resolution that honors both of you” (W. and L. 161). 

Works Cited

W., William, and Joyce L. Interpersonal conflict. McGraw-Hill HumanitiesSocial SciencesLanguages, 2001. 130-164. Print.

Welcome!

Welcome all!  This is a new blog that I am publishing with the purpose of strengthening marriages and family.  This project is partly for a semester long school assignment but also for pure interest.  On this blog, I will be posting some of the latest research and statistics on marriage and family, news articles, ideas to strengthen your marriage and unite your family, in addition to professional advice, pictures and YouTube clips.  Please feel free to leave questions and comments.  Enjoy!