The following is a brief summary of a website that I just recently checked out. I also reviewed a few articles that I found interesting and wanted to share. Enjoy :)
As I began to search this website, the introduction was the first thing to grab my attention. Their claim starts out, “We finally know what's different about couples that stay happily married. It's not that they are better matched, better looking, more in love or more passionate. It's not that they have fewer differences or less to fight about.” Reading on, the introduction explains that married couples argue about the same exact things that divorced couples do - money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws, and time. I thought to myself, if this is the case, why do people get divorced? Surely their battles are bigger. Smartmarriages.com claims that “The difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is how they handle these differences.” This website encourages learning how to “…unlearn the behaviors that destroy love and replace them with the behaviors that keep love alive.”
Underneath the introduction is a list of several applications ranging from articles on divorce, quick fix marriage advice, do-it yourself counseling, co-habitation, and domestic violence to inspirational marriage quotes, how to become a marriage educator, marriage quizzes, and CDs and DVDs that are available for additional learning. Under “Strengthen Marriage in Your Community”, you can find calendar dates dedicated to cultural marriages as well as marriage in general. In addition, you can research how to get started in getting your community involved and how to have an optimistic view of marriage and the future.
On the left side of the page a column is located that has information on upcoming events such as conferences that you can register to attend, classes that you can attend in your area as well as a link to articles and research.
#1 Article Summary of:
HOW THERAPY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARITAL HEALTH
Smart Marriages CONFERENCE, JULY 3, 1999
William J. Doherty, PhD
Family Social Science Department
University of Minnesota
I found this article to be interesting, especially since we have been learning about the benefits of counseling both before couples get married and after to avoid divorce. This article in a way hit home for me because I had an Aunt and Uncle who got divorced and I believe that it may have been because she was given some advice by a therapist on an individual basis. If problems arise in a marriage, Dr. Doherty suggests that there is an order to follow in order to receive the help necessary. He suggests that “…people first need support people, mentors, other couples in their lives, and then they need marriage educators and then they need therapists--in that order.” However, people first seek the help of individual therapists and/or a pastoral counselor.
Of the 80% of all private practice therapists in the U.S. who say that they do marital therapy, only 12% of them “are in a profession that requires even one course or any supervised experience.” According to Doherty, most of them “just pick it up on the side.” Because most people who are seeking help in their marriage seek individual help rather than help from a marriage counselor, many of the issues are discussed on an individual level rather than as a coupe, thus causing more damage to the marriage. Doherty refers to this as “therapist-induced marital suicide.”
The distinction is made about how we as a society today views divorce vs. how it was viewed 30-40 years ago. Who is to blame? We went from one end of the spectrum – it is shameful to get divorced – to the complete opposite, divorce is an option to everyone. With this change, there has been an evolution from seeking happiness as a couple to individualism. Marriage is not based on duty anymore, but on personal happiness. Doherty said that therapists took two different stances in regards to marriage during this era: 1) “neutrality” towards marital commitment and 2) liberation- being a liberator to someone in an unhappy marriage.
Neither stance seemed to heal the issues. Doherty explains that we have completely changed our views on marriage; as a society we have gone from being citizens who view marriage as a commitment to individuals who view marriage as more of a consumer lifestyle. “We have less loyalty now, in all spheres of life, then we did 20 or 30 years ago…In a generation we have moved rapidly from being citizens to being primarily consumers… Marriage, I believe, has been strongly influenced by this combination of the individual fulfillment culture and the consumer culture. Marriage is becoming yet another consumer lifestyle.”
The article goes on to clarify how therapists are a crucial tool in this evolution and how couples can prepare themselves to receive help that is appropriate for them as couples. Doherty describes four types of therapists that undermine marital commitment: incompetent therapists, neutral therapists, pathologizing therapists, and overtly undermining therapists. Each of these therapists destroys even the hope of saving a marriage in their own way. Doherty says that “the biggest problem I see in this area is that most therapists are not trained to work with couples, and they see working with couples as an extension of individual psychotherapy.”
In conclusion, Doherty gives us hope. He encourages couples to do their research. He encourages us to ask questions, get to know the therapist and his/her qualifications for providing counsel to married couples specifically. “Licensing boards and professional associations should have training requirements for therapists who claim to practice marital therapy.” Ask about the therapist’s success rate, whether they are neutral, and where their marital education stems from. By asking the appropriate questions and taking time to find a therapist who will work with you as a couple, the chances of saving your marriage will greatly increase.
#2 Article Summary of:
INTENTIONAL MARRIAGE: YOUR RITUALS WILL SET YOU FREE
WILLLIAM DOHERTY
University of Minnesota
Banquet Keynote/Annual Smart Marriages Conference
Denver, Colorado
Once again, Dr. Doherty caught my attention by the title of his article. “Intentional Marriage”; what is that? Dr. Doherty defines an intentional marriage as this, “An intentional marriage is one where the partners are conscious, deliberate, and planful about maintaining and building a sense of connection over the years.” His focus is on rituals and how they have the ability to enrich a marriage. To set the tone, Doherty tells us a story about Ken and Judy. They (at this point) have been married for three years. They met at a country-western dance and hit it off. Evidently, the chemistry between them on the dance floor was such that they had the attention of everyone. When asked when the last time was that they danced together was, the reply was three years. There are basic rituals that we all participate when we are dating such as going on dates, talking on the phone for hours, and going for long walks. What happens to these rituals once we get married?
Rituals are defined as “…social interactions that are repeated, coordinated, and significant. Rituals can be everyday interactions, or they could be once a year, but they’re repeated… A ritual is something that has positive emotional meaning to both parties.” It is this definition that makes a ritual different from a routine. Doherty states, “A marriage routine is something that you do over and over in a coordinated way, but that does not have much emotional meaning.” Doherty divides marriage rituals into three different kinds: 1) rituals of connection 2) rituals of intimacy and 3) rituals of community.
Rituals of connection include our greetings, good-byes, and our conversations. Rituals of intimacy include “dates where you’re going out to have some special time together, patterns of sexual intimacy, and special occasions such as anniversaries or Valentine’s Day.” Rituals of community include “couple activities where the partners give and receive support in their larger world, such as joint involvement in a religious community, neighborhood activities, joint friendship activities, and joint community action.” All three of these rituals combined can strengthen marriages and keep the love alive and growing.
