“It isn’t that we can’t or don’t know how to communicate with others as much as it is that we don’t feel like risking our deep-down feelings with someone who is likely to stomp on them. It is never enjoyable to approach a parent, spouse, or colleague who is domineering, overwhelming, always right, angry, came from the “true-family”, has all of the answers, is smothering, critical, sarcastic, puts you down, disagrees, or is negative. The inability to risk as personal and validating levels of communication leads to a shallow relationship or one that cannot last.” (p. 121 Brinley)
The Three Levels of Communication
- Superficial Level of Communication
It is a safe form of communication where we can exchange our ideas, observations, and comments with each other.
“This surface conversation is usually light in nature, descriptive, and where we discuss events and observations without much personal risk on our part.” (p. 123 Brinley)
- Personal Level of Communication
Requires us to go beyond and reach a deeper level of thought and feeling
“Those who cannot share personal feelings typically move on to other relationships, unaware of why they don’t build close relationships with others.” (p. 124 Brinley)
- Validation Level of Communication
These are positive messages that show worth, value, appreciation, and acceptance.
“As human beings, we are somewhat fragile and sensitive to how others react when we express our ideas and feelings.” (p. 125 Brinley)
Risk Taking with a Negative Response
Risk feelings/ideas --> Negative response --> Stop Sharing
Lose confidence in each other
Withdraw from interacting
Less risking of personal ideas/opinions
Stop sharing personal feelings
Mistrust develops
Anger and frustration increase
Feelings of closeness dissipate
Emotional void
Start to Avoid each other
Mage seek the company of others
Feelings of affection dissipate
Risk taking with a Positive Response
Risk feelings/ideas --> Positive response --> Risk Again
Feelings of trust develop/continue
Emotional closeness is strengthened
Feelings of love intensify
The relationship is strengthened
Being together is enjoyable
Affection is expressed naturally
Enjoy exchanging personal ideas/comments
Mutually therapeutic
Loyalty/commitment to each other is strengthened
We like each other; affection grows
Sources
Brinley, Douglas E. “First Comes Love”
Larson, Jeffry H. “The Great Marriage Tune-up Book”
Marie, I think you're doing an awesome job with this blog! As I've been reading over some of the stuff I can't help but think about the "five languages Of love" by Gary Chapman. The whole point of the book is to help to learn how to effectively communicate how your spouse feels loved! It goes along with this post quite well and the book is a Pretty easy read. I don't know if you are interested but I just thought I'd pass along the info. I would recommend every young couple read the book! Great job again! (kaitlan Allen)
ReplyDeleteThanks Kaitlan! I really appreciate your comment and support! I will for sure be doing a segment on the "Five Love Languages". It is one of my favorite books.
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